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This is when I took my darling daughters downtown to watch my sister's band County Cavarn and my kid sporadically jumped and joined in....wtf ... Continue reading »

A few weeks ago we were having dinner when the neighbor kids from down the street rang the doorbell. They asked if my daughters could spend the night in the trailer that their dad had parked on the driveway at their house. Our gated community has swimming pools, parks and a lush golf course but my children were hyperventilating with excitement over a mobile home. I asked the kids who was staying in there with them and was met with a chorus of, “No one!” Hahahahahaha. Right. Mommy has an anxiety disorder remember? ... Continue reading »

First test vlog with Jack ... Continue reading »

Welcome to newly renovated ErinSays. It is fabulous isn’t it? Now before we get to the skinny of the past couple weeks there are some people I need to thank. First: Myself. Hi, lets’s be honest, none of this would have been possible if I did not think of it. You are welcome. Next: God. For making me. (Badass drum solo) Next: Jack McDaniel/My Computer Bitch: Jack could detonate a nuke from his office with his nerd brain powers but he chooses to build websites for housewives instead. Interestingly, he does not reside in India and always answers his phone which are two extremely rare chromosomal abnormalities of people working in IT. Jack does what I tell him to do which is a quality I simply ADORE in people. (Seriously though- I find it is extremely effective to instill a constructive level of fear in my subordinates.) Just kidding Jack, please don’t hack into my account, tell everyone I am filthy whore and change the password again. ... Continue reading »

During Easter brunch at my house this year, my mom told us she had to go to the emergency room when she was nineteen years old for severe stomach pain. Apparently, a resident doctor came in to examine her and coldly informed her that she was in the final stages of gonorrhea and that she would never have children. My mortified mom called and informed “everyone” of her tragic diagnosis only to have her appendix burst two weeks later. Oops. Omg. I would have f’ing paid to see the faces of her hippie boyfriends when they got that phone call. Sooooo funny. ... Continue reading »

Last weekend, God once again ordered me to complete a three day community service stint at Disneyland as my penance for lighting fires and drowning kittens in a previous life. Apparently I was a real bitch before I reincarnated into Erin-1979. Fortunately, I have really turned things around in this life. ... Continue reading »

Eew, the grossest thing ever happened to me last week. I ordered five hundred U.S. dollars worth of clothes from Lands’ End because I go back to work full time at the dental office come August and Mike thinks periwinkle cardigans and monogrammed coral polos will inspire the masses to get their teeth cleaned. Following this violent assault on my eyes I drove myself to Lululemon and inhaled the delectable scent of overpriced yoga pants and chic tops made by crazy talented kids in Guatemala. ... Continue reading »

I am like sooooooooooo over flu season. Ugh, it is a filthy world. Do not touch anything. Ever. I learned this the hard way a couple weeks ago when I got in trouble for touching a beaver. Apparently, I have been doing it incorrectly for thirty-three years. I was chaperoning a field trip to this hideously boring wildlife museum for my daughter’s class when one of the elderly, ex-prison warden volunteers pulled out a beaver fur for the kids to touch. ... Continue reading »

It is Steve Jobs fault that I now own a cat. Last week I went into my daughter’s room and made the astute observation that her pet lizard, Pearl, had died. How did I know? Its face was pressed awkwardly against the aquarium and when I tapped on the side of it, the thing did not move. I looked at my watch. This pending psychological calamity was going to have to wait. School was starting in ten minutes, grieving over a dead lizard takes fifteen and I seriously needed a break after the theatrical production my family starred in last week titled, “A Family Catches the Stomach Flu and Their Mother/Wife Heroically Saves Them Even Though She Wanted to Run Away.” ... Continue reading »

I don’t want to make you feel even worse about yourself if you are a shitty parent, but I fucking kill it as a mom. My daughters are cool chicks. I would probably hang around them even if I wasn’t forced to, except that would be like totally creepy. The other night I was packing their lunches, writing little love notes, thinking about how I was totally aligning them for a lifetime of guaranteed successful endeavors. Then God got kicked me in my vagina for pilfering his glory. ... Continue reading »