Tonsils and Kathy Bates

Last week my youngest daughter had her tonsils out. I was an absolute f'ing wreck because she was with a world renown surgeon, in a really nice hospital, and this extremely complicated surgery was going to take somewhere between fifteen to twenty minutes minutes. I watched as they wheeled her little, tiny body into the operating room and yelled,“I LOVE YOU!”in a shaky voice before I burst into hysterical sobs, buried my face in Mike’s arm and proceeded to wipe snot all over his sleeve.

Thirteen, looooong, torturous minutes later, her doctor came out to tell us she did great, her tonsils were nasty even by his standards and she was waking up from anesthesia asking for the pretty woman who works at the front desk of her school. I am positive this just means she is securely attached. Mike and I rushed to her side and she whispered, “Mom I totally heard you crying. I told the nurse you were really dramatic.” Twitch.

Now, lest you think that my daughter's accusation is justified, it is worth noting that she wasn't the one who had to speak to the hospital registrar a few days prior. Our conversation went as follows:

Kathy Bates:  I am SO glad I finally got ahold of you.

Me:  Oh, I’m sorry. Did you try to call multiple times?

KB:  (Exasperated) No, I tried five minutes ago and no one answered. 

Me:  (Eye squnting, head tilting)

KB:  I just wanted to make sure you know to have her here at 6:30am, bring your ID, insurance card, and

$902.00.

Me:  Got it.  ID, insurance card and $900 bucks.

KB:  $902.00

Me: Copy that, I will scrounge up some change in my couch.

KB:  I would rather have a baby than have my tonsils out again. When my daughter had it done, she refused to eat or drink so I gave her an IV and she spent two days with her IV hanging off the deer antlers in my family room. I wasn’t paying no emergency room co-pays. My other son is nineteen and had two DUI’s and a baby. Kids are a pain.

Me:  You administered an IV by yourself and the deer antlers, two DUI’s…wow.  (Me holding the phone

away, breathing into a paper bag.  WTF, WTF, WTF.  I got back on the line) On a totally unrelated note…this surgery is taking place in the United States and not south of el boarder correct?

KB:  (Monotone) Yes. Remember $902.00 and don’t be late.

*I don’t actually own a pair of deer antlers so I was super grateful one of my readers offered to lend me her antlers pending my daughter’s condition. I was NOT going to f this up like Mike did when he came home with flu shots years ago and attempted to give our then three-year-old daughter a shot. She swiftly kicked him in the face, punched him in the balls, wrangled away from him and ran around the house screaming with a needle hanging out of her arm. Total fail.

Anyway, my extensive preparations proved to be entirely unnecessary as this particular child apparently feels no pain except when she is told the word “no." She took some Tylenol because her throat “stung a bit," begged to go back to school the next day, snuck downstairs to swing her golf clubs, and took 35,000 pictures on my phone of the nasty scabs in the back of her throat.

I have secretly wondered if there was a mix-up at the hospital when I gave birth and super wholesome, athletic, religious couple is vehemently trying to raise a hilarious little smartass, who is obsessed with Nordstroms and dogs, loves makeup and therapy, says bad words, plans on marrying either a doctor or an oil magnate and yet, despite her quirks…is totally irresistible and everyone loves her except for them. (Chill. I know this isn’t plausible considering my kid looks exactly like Mike, and she did not leave my arms for the first three years of her life.)

Hope you all have a glittery, fabulous rest of the week!  Thanks for the love, it totally worked!!! XO