The World Is Ending

December 03, 2012

I recently received an inquiry regarding my feelings on the world allegedly coming to an end later this month.  And since I am always the last to know when the world is going to blow up I decided to educate myself on this matter.  Following my extensive five minute google search, I was horrified to learn we are indeed all going to die someday.  Calm down I was being facetious, but you really are going to die. 

Anyhow, after contemplating the whole “doomsday” phenomenon, I ultimately decided that I really don’t give a shit.  In fact, I was laughing my ass off when I was cleaning out my bird’s cage and noticed the cover of USA Today depicting a picture of a man wearing a gas mask standing next to his wife and children.  Apparently, he had even built a secret bunker and stockpiled it with flour, sugar, rice, weapons, vaccines, and dirty magazines in preparation for the upcoming catastrophe.  If I was that dude’s wife, I would be counting down the seconds until the fucking world blew up.  *Just to error on the side of caution, I did snag a couple extra bottles of my coffee creamer when I went grocery shopping.

I decided if there really is a mass exodus from the planet my heaven admissions interview with God would probably go as follows:

Me:  Hi God, those were totally illegal fireworks you used down there to detonate earth just now huh?   

God:  Raising one eyebrow.

Me:  Okay, well let’s get down to business shall we?  I won’t try to bullshit you, I was a little ornery after you arranged for me to go to therapy and I started having fun living.

God:  Clasping his hands under his chin.

Me:   Look, I think we both know that you invented Moonsand, hot pink paint, dogs pooping and middle fingers for the sole purpose of harmless repartee with my fellow earthlings.  In accordance with your intent, I used them all quite proficiently.

God:  Tilting his head.

Me:  Additionally, I did manage to fall in love with nearly everyone you placed in my path.  I made some of the greatest friends, I learned to be one, adored my family, was not stingy with the money you lent me and realized that the dickheads you blessed me with were there solely to teach me compassion.  Just before you exploded the earth, I actually began to view my perceived enemies with bewildered amusement versus burning contempt which was a major step for me.  I said thank you every single day before my feet hit the floor because I was so grateful for another day and boy howdy, did I ever have fun!

God:  Rubbing his temples.

Me:  Oh and I totally love my husband, children and dogs.  Oh and don’t forget about that chicken I spent $400 trying to save.  (God’s saint security guards pulling me away.) Oh and the time I called the police on my HOA for taking pictures of my trashcans and mailing them to me with a fine, that was just a joke…………SO WAS THE PEACEFUL PROTEST I STAGED!!!!!!!!!!  BYE GOD, BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Yelling over my shoulder.) God was actually not as intimidating as I thought.  Nice guy.

Anyway, I was sitting outside a coffee shop with my dad last week when one of the guys working there came over to say hello.  He told us he was getting married on the day the world is supposed to be ending. ( Ahhhhh, sweet sweet irony.)  He went on to say that he and his bride-to-be are both Christians and have waited to consummate their marriage.   He then said he was going to be really pissed if he waited twenty-five years for an “unhappy” ending.    

Bottom-Line:  With the exception of the virgin barista, this situation is a win/win.  I really, really enjoyed being alive and I will probably really, really like returning to source.  I am not sweating it.  Like at all.  Truthfully, my only regrets are having done laser hair removal because it hurt like holy hell and I had to go back five times, repeat FIVE times, a couple dudes (not at the same time) and a colon cleanse (which is debatable considering my abs looked amaaaaaazing and my face looked gaunt for days after).  Aside from that, I had a total ball!  XO